Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Hangovers

Today's Lesson: Hangovers
It only seems appropriate to follow up on the Alcohol lesson with this one. I decided to post them on the same day so you chumps know how to handle yourselves in both situations, because we all know when you're hungover, you will not read anything. So remember this, after a night of slowly destroying your body...


  • Do not do anything at all. If it involves physical activity it's not for you, not today.
  • If you have to work, go in, but only to tell your boss that you accidentally ate Taco Bell yesterday for lunch and were up all night pooping. They'll believe you when they see that you look like all kinds of hell.
  • Take a shower, you smell like vomit and cigarettes.
  • Cheeto's, Dorito's, any member of the EAT-O family for that matter, is a must.
  • Post on your most frequently used social media profile "Hungover #fuck" so we all know that you go out.
  • Water and Advil will make your head feel smaller. 
  • Everything is funnier when you're hungover so watch Anchorman, go on reddit, or try to decipher the ancient language of "Drunk" that you sent to your whole contact list last night.
  • Basically just don't do anything and eat a alot. I've already mentioned those 2 things but I can't stress how important they are.
If you woke up in a dumpster on top of someones roof, I can't help you, but i sure as hell wanna see how you handle it. Good luck! 

Alcohol

Today's Lesson: Alcohol
I enjoy getting hammered, who doesn't? Now if you're thinking "OMG Chloe you're only 19 that's illegal!!! I would never do anything like that!" shut up, we all know you had your first beer well before you were 21. Hell, I think I've probably already destroyed my liver, but that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say is...my friends Jose, Sir Robert Burnett, Captain, Jack, and Jim (and even the Admiral) have taken a few trips around the block together...wait, is that the right expression? I've also taken the time to observe the good, the bad, and the ugly effects of alcohol and I just want to pass a few samples of my knowledge down to you all.

Before you crack open that half gal...

  • Eat something but DO NOT eat Buffalo Wild Wings, unless you want explosive diarrhea.
  • Physically and mentally prepare for the events that will later take place. Go to the gym, shave, file your toenails into a point, empty your bowels, anything that is gonna put your body in top shape before you take it to hell and back.
  • Make sure your outfit is secure enough on your body. Despite what they say, nobody wants to see your nipples.
  • Make a list of what you will need then configure your drinking station. Ex. drinking tequila? Make sure you have limes, salt, maybe a backup chaser for the amateurs, shot glasses, a knife, a toilet, and a DVD copy of Space Jam are all nearby. The goal is to not move whatsoever until the bottle is empty.
Now, it's time to drink!



  • Blast some of your favorite tunes. For example, I enjoy listening to "Woo Woo Swag" by: Lil B The Based God while I pound shots.
  • Go slow, you don't want to end up with your head in that porcelain chamber of shame.
  • Don't try to out drink someone. You will either lose miserably, or end up having to carry your opponent home. 
  • Four Loko's: DO NOT CONSUME
  • Never under ANY circumstances is it ok to smell what you're about to drink.
  • Have some fun with it. Just because your drinking fiery cups of death doesn't mean it can't be fun! Make up a drinking game, tell stories about the last time you got drunk and hooked up with someone who had webbed feet, etc. 
  • And by all means DO NOT BREAK THE SEAL! Wait to use the bathroom until you're behind a dumpster or in the middle of a parking garage.
Ok, now you're drunk...
  • If you're white, please do us all a favor and don't try to dance.
  • Girls, don't accept drinks from that sweet frat boy who "would never hurt a fly" chances are, he would hurt a fly, and your butthole.
  • If you don't feel as drunk as you would have hoped, wait a little before pounding more shots.
  • If you're standing on top of a table and singing at the top of your lungs, nobody will be thinking about how cool you are, they will be thinking of ways to get you the hell off that table.
  • On that note, no singing at all. Drunk is tone deaf's sexy uncle.
  • Please don't scream. You sound like a dying Giraffe. We understand that you're drunk, haven't seen your friend since last weekend, and/or just boned someone in a bathroom stall, but you can still announce it with an inside voice.
  • Watch your step. One little slip will automatically label you as "Drunk Ass" for the rest of the night.
  • Play drinking games! They're awesome. If someone asks you to play beer pong or start a game of flip cup, get involved immediately. Unless you don't know how to play, in that case just go home.
  • Hookup with whoever you want, just don't bitch about how bad of a decision it was the next day, we knew it was a bad decision as soon as you said "Last night i got with..."
  • Acknowledge every other drunk person you come in contact with. Give them the classic "AYYYYEE" and go for a high five.
  • On a more serious note, please don't drive. If you choose not to listen to the commercials, listen to someone who wrapped their car around a tree while driving drunk. That's right, me. Which makes me a bigger loser than Spongebob with ripped pants. Don't do it EVER. 
  • Eat pizza. Trust me, just do it.
  • Just have a good time! Let loose! You're drunk so you can do ANYTHING!!!!!
Have a safe and pleasant night everyone! And remember, a drunk liver is a happy liver!

Monday, October 1, 2012

How To Act in Public

Today's Lesson: How To Act in Public. I just recently got hired for a job that requires me to work and interact with tons of customers throughout the day. My boss is constantly scolding me for my behavior towards said customers, but I see nothing wrong with the things I do. When he's around, I have to act like the dull and boring person that he wants me to be, but when he's not I get to act like my normal self and let me tell you, customers LOVE it. They're always staring at me because they are speechless from my perfect people skills! My coworkers always send me to the back cause I take away too much attention from them with my dashing charm. I didn't even know I could gain so much attention, I guess I'm just naturally a genius when it comes to acting properly in public. Here are some examples which I suggest you follow if you want to have these skills of mine.


  • Stop everything you're doing and break out in the robot, when you come out of your robot trance act like nothing happened.
  • Purposely drop something in front of someone, wait for them to pick it up and as they reach for it yell "THAT'S MINE" and growl at them.
  • While waiting for something (waiting in line, waiting for an appointment, etc.) stand silently in a corner, with your back facing the room.
  • Pretend you have Tourette's syndrome.
  • Make a point of laughing out loud at dirty references snuck into everyday language. Ex. Cashier "Your total is 21.69" You "HAHA....69".
  • In quieter settings, rap DMX's "Bring Your Whole Crew" at the top of your lungs. 
  • If someone asks you a question, count to 5 before answering.
  • If you're walking outside, pretend there are blustering winds by walking in slow motion with your head down. When someone passes you yell "I'll be fine here just save yourselves!" at them. 
  • When exiting a bathroom announce "If you value your life at all DO NOT go in there!".
  • When possible, walk karaoke style from point A to B.
  • And by all means, DO NOT hold back any gas. Belch or rip a fart as much as possible in public. After each gaseous explosion follow up with "What'd you think of that one?!" to your peers.
These are just a few of the ways I practice proper manners. I know what you're thinking...."I'm not near as outgoing, hilarious, OR charismatic as Chloe!" but with my help, you too can be a star! 

Self Defense

Todays Lesson: Self Defense.
Well to start off, I recently got in a fight, a real fist fight. No I am not a violent person or a delinquent, or a gang member, but these guys were just asking for a beating (sorry mom). It was my boyfriend, our friend (let's just call him Lorenzo for safety's sake), and I drunkenly walking home from a long night out. I accidentally walked through a group of people and bumped into some Napoleon Bonaparte look-alike. Due to his little persons syndrome, he got very angry and started threatening us. My boyfriend, being the manly man that he is, did not like this at all. The small fellow led us back to a house where about 10 guys were waiting, looking ready for a fight. I thought to myself "Well shit, this isn't good." and they started attacking us AHHHHH!!!! But don't worry, we all came out alright, here's how.

  • No crying
  • No running away. Face it like a man.
  • Swing for the fences. As in, throw as many fists as you can, as fast as you can. 
  • DO NOT take your anger out on a tree, or the sidewalk. You will just end up with a mangled fist, right Lorenzo?
  • Pepper your language with various swear words. Calling your opponents "Bitch" seems to be very effective so yell "NOT TODAY BITCH" at any given moment.
  • Protect your goods.
  • But most importantly, just have fun!!!! :) Just get out there and try your best and have a great ti.....oh wait, that's 4th grade soccer, nevermind...GO FOR THE KILL.
Hopefully you find these tips from us 3 very helpful when you find yourself in a vicious brawl. Have a safe and pleasant day everyone!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Hello Everyone, I'm Chloe Krahnke (@krank_daddy): a hilarious and fabulous 19 year old. No just kidding, I'm pretty average. Born and raised in the wonderful city of Ann Arbor, Michigan. I'd just like to take this opportunity to enlighten you all on some life lessons, guidance, and tips I've acquired over the years. What makes me qualified to give you all advice you might ask? Well, nothing.....these are just some things I like to live by. Enjoy!


This is me. See? Average. 
But read my blog anyways.
Seriously, I need to pass my class guys CMON!!!!
P.S. I love the USA!!!!!!